wailing wall

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Wear my art!:

axis of weevil

o rob
o my robert
i keep coming back here to re-read everything it is that i didn't recognize the first time. even with you sitting right next to me, i read and i criticized like it was something you had written out of nothing. i was terrified of you. how could i imagine that you.. this perfect, godlike, figure- had no where to go. you were such an amazing writer. i feel so lucky that i helped you find that. but i saw it too, i am so blind. i dont know why i couldn't see, couldnt hear it in your voice. but then again, you never wanted me to see... i dont think you did. you always told me the truth, but there was such a huge side of you that i had heard about but couldn't fathom. you were, you are, like nothing and no one i have ever experianced and ever will experiance again. you were the inspiration for so much, so many lonely days i dreampt of you and of the future it seemed inevitable we would have. i want to talk to you. i want to know if you thought that peice i wrote for you right before you left us was what i thought of you. i was writing you a character, i hope you understand that, but mostly i hope you understood that. i thought of a character that you would play well, but would have to act. i remember thinking that it wouldn't be easy to find so much...pain that i had infused into that man. fuck i was being so stupid. i wrote that so you would love me, and see how dark it was and respect that. but instead you left me. i want to know what you thought of it. but i wont know for a long time. i know you read it only a few hours before you left. what were you thinking of? was it just blind unhappiness- i know... i know i never helped you, but it would kill me if i hurt you. and i can't get over the feeling that i did. just by being so blinded. i mean, i know you didn't really want me to see, and i know that you showed me anyway, and when i didn't notice, you didn't say anything. you were such a huge part of my soul. how can i let you go? how the hell am i supposed to relinquish what had been my personal standard and self worth and what i thought would be future. we were going to travel the world together! am i supposed to go alone now or what? i can't go without you... there are so many things i can't do without you. you were my warrior, my prince. i thought we had time. i thought we were going to allow ourselves to know eachother better than anyone else knew us. i thought we had time for that. i thought you would be my first, i thought we would end up together. it had always seemed so inevitable. i hurt so much. my whole body hurts all the time. all i do is eat and sleep and try to get through the day without you... it wasn't that you were always with me, not physically. but every moment we had together was a spark. we barely had to speak. i remember how scared you were sometimes that i would think badly of you. when you told everyone you were gay and made sure i knew it wasn't true. that elana dale and i knew it wasn't true. when you were dating someone in a casual relationship- you always made sure i knew you weren't in love with them. So i wouldn't worry i guess. i don't know. i assumed that it was all in preparation for some amazing future together, that we were slowly giving ourselves piece by piece to eachother. i miss you. i miss how tall you were. we did look good together didn't we. you always trying to get me to audition at point park... because there were no talented women tall enough to match you. god we could have been a pair. i remember you telling me about an american dialect that you were learning with no accent in it. i remember you telling me that every time i called you was a breath of fresh air because you could have an intellectual conversation with me. i remember feeling so valued everytime i hugged you. i remember playing pass the ice in your house, you were the first person i ever passed the ice with, and you wanted me. i remember being soaking wet on the trampoline and trying to find your glasses. i remember you bringing my purse to dany's house for me, when anyone else would have forgotten. i remember you telling me that if i was a little older or you a little younger we should be dating. i remember you telling me when i was lonely that there would always be two people who were in love with me, and you were one. remember handing you that buddha when i came home and expecting more than i got and being devastated. not because i was angry with you, but because i loved you so much. i remember thinking about how i was going to ask you to be.. what i had always hoped you would. i remember trying to plan out a way for us to make money abroad. how we would stand in the street and sing together and impress people with our little show. making money to travel more, and sleeping in hostels and on benches. but always together. i remember reading a book 5 days before you were gone and thinking about how much you would enjoy and benefit from it. i remember reminding myself the night you left to buy you a copy. i remember telling you i loved you unconditionally and receiving no response. maybe you didn't beleive me. i remember laughing about how you messed up all my passwords. i remember how you smelled like smoke and how scared you made me. i remember seeing you in zantalamus and feeling more desire for you than i have ever felt for anyone. i remember seeing your monologue and thinking you were just amazing, and then criticising it so i wouldn't seem like just a fan, but an equal, but. you blew me away, with your depth, and the dark light of the collins center stage at your back and how you rolled up your sleeves and just... made me remember why theatre was so amazing. i remember going with you and avi to CVS when you had the munchies. i remember saving a frog. i remember talking to you from china, and trying to take pictures that you would value. we never looked at those. i remember you asking me to take a picture of the opera for you. i remember sitting with you on the couch at danys and not being able to get up. i remember eating pad thai and listening to b-13 and cleaning up booze. i remember looking for your sn everytime i went online, and being so happy when i got to talk to you. i remember calling you pete once, and feeling very stupid, i remember being so afraid of you sometimes. i remember hoping that one day, you would drive up to my window while i was sleeping. i remember you telling someone that you thought my room would prolly be messy and yet clean in its own way. i remember looking for that terra-cotta warrior to give you. i remember having you at my house for christmas and not knowing what to say or do or how to act. i remember you and my cousin connecting. i remember playing words games on the couch. i remember your favorite tea was earl grey, and those milkshakes you got for us at thai sweet basil. i remember going with you to radioshack, and i cant remember why. i remember receiving that piece you wrote for me and just.. never. never had anyone every done something like that for me before.there are so many things i should remember, the sound of your voice, how pale you were, how you reminded me of henry, your eyes, smile, everything. im looking everywhere for that sonnet you gave me. im trying to remember sitting alone with you in the dressing room and talking about dreams. about your reoccuring, terrible dreams. your father taking you to new hampshire. how you broke your arm by slamming it into a wall. how i wanted you to be in the dressing room all the time, and was the only one. how we talked about how i looked like a cross dresser in my wig. how skinny you were. how much you loved animals, like i loved animals. how many cats you had, and all those parties. that drunken message you left on my phone i never meant to delete. how i thought you sounded like shit when you called me on friday. and how i wish i had had some service. god damn i wish i could have spoken to you one last time. i remember seeing your hair all spiked up for seven menus and wondering where you were the night of my shows. i remember seeing that show that sean directed and thinking it was the most amazing bit of acting id seen in such a long time. i remember wanting to follow you out of the door when you left my house on monday, and not being able to.

fuck rob. your mom just signed onto your sn, and i have NEVER fucking never experianced anything like that in my life. it was almost as if you just showed up and told us all you were just kidding or something. my heart stopped... god damnitt robert why the hell did you have to go?

"i'm scared. i can't find anything that comforts me. nothing i see or touch comforts me. i'm not talking about satisfaction. when i'm full from eating i'm satisfied. i feel lost, like a dog who is so far from home it can't find anything it recognizes. but i recognize everything, i know that i'll wake up tomorrow in my bed that now causes back pain from the sag in the middle. i know that i'll walk from room to room and see everything thats always been there. every eye sore that is so beautiful. every flaw that is so perfect. and i know i'll see my family just as they are and were. stuck. nowhere to move on to. just...stuck. i can't find comfort because i can't see any comfort. it was never really there. they've been walking on egg shells around me for years. and now its common place. "just don't piss him off and you won't have to deal with him." i don't want you to deal with me. i want you tell me why i'm a burden."

and thats what you left...

you were never a burden
not to me
never to me
i was so in love with you

i hope you are at peace

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namaste

rest in peace, old friend

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Wear my art!:

axis of weevil

Hi Rob! <waves>
I was wicked surprised when I got your account!
You write wicked well. However, there is a process to getting attention on DA. First of all, say hello to people and engage in witty repartee. (thumbshare is where you share your work, don't be shy). Second, decorate your writing with pretty pictures by submitting preview images to go along with them. Third, add copious amounts of favorites and deviant watches to your list. You'll accrue hundreds of coveted pageviews in no time.
Have a good day!

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Wear my art!:

axis of weevil